Reflections on an evening with Gabor Maté

Sorrell Millis
Feb 19
3 min read

Well what can I say, I've just driven back from Brisbane and am still relishing last night. I felt the impulse to write about my evening with Gabor Maté while it's still fresh in my mind. Ok, I say MY evening, what I really mean is mine and 2000 others who gathered to listen to this incredible and insightful 81 year old holocaust survivor talk about his book 'The Myth of Normal'.

My friend and I were late, not even fashionably. We had splashed out for VIP tickets (a big deal for me) and were disappointed to be at the very end of the row with sound interference and no view of a big screen. I sat with the disappointment and accepted our lateness, but we were two brave souls that hadn't come all this way to not even be able to see or hear Gabor talk! So, as the general admission arrived, we jumped seats and found ourselves plonked in row 5, directly opposite the lectern. Our nervous systems immediately settled and we could fully open to receiving Gabor's talk.

"We readily feel for the suffering child, but cannot see the child in the adult who, his soul fragmented and isolated, hustles for survival a few blocks away from where we shop or work.." – Gabor Maté

So what did I love?

His kind eyes, his humor, his eloquence and his messages...

Gabor covered so much in his 1 1/2 hour talk, honestly I don't remember it all (it was late!), but a few key messages really stuck out for me and I felt inspired to share.

So here they are....

That we all have the need to feel ALL our emotions. Sadness, joy, anger or grief. Delight, frustration, excitement or disappointment. When we deny and suppress our emotions, it in turn suppresses our immune system. Our bodies can't fight to keep out unhealthy toxins, this can lead to disease, particularly autoimmune diseases and cancer. So lets start being honest about how we feel.

That we've known since 1870 the relationship between stress and disease. Since then there's been literally 10 thousands of papers showing the relationship between emotions and physiology and stress, trauma and disease. How would it be if every 'ologist' started with asking 'how's your life?' 'how's your relationship?' 'what happened to you?' but they don't and it's not their fault as the average physician during his medical training never hears about this connection, they are just trained to treat the symptoms.

"Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate curiosity to what is happening within." – Gabor Maté

That at birth we are wired for attachment to our parents. Infants will always choose attachment over authenticity, despite their environment. Its a matter of survival. This is where the suppression of emotions can begin and the accumulation of stress stored in our bodies.

That we need to find a way to be our authentic selves, to fully express ALL our emotions. We need to process healthy anger as it's a boundary defence and needs to be validated.

That's it's ok for people not to like us, just be yourself because we are not responsible for how we make other people feel. So try setting some boundaries instead of being nice all the time.

That when I feel 'I'm not good enough' its actually just a point of view, not a feeling. We need to realise the absurdity of it. Do you truly believe that any person you know is not good enough? So if they are not, why are you? This is true for all core beliefs - I'm not loveable, I'm not worthy etc.

Gosh, I'm sure there's more, but I feel that's enough waffle for now and I'm tired so I'm going to make a cup of tea.